Predator Red Flags

Spotting the Bad Guys Early

If you’ve been following along, you know we just wrapped up the two-week “Predator Red Flag of the Day” series. I wanted to compile them all in one document that would be easy for you to find and to share.

The focus here is on attitudes and behaviors that may give you an early indication the person you’re dealing with could be dangerous. When we talk about abusers in this context, we’re primarily focusing on men who may engage in domestic violence, sexual assault, and/or stalking behaviors. One or two things on their own may not necessarily signify anything but pay attention to patterns. When you see one of these behaviors repeated, or the person engages in a lot of the behaviors we’re talking about, use that as your sign that this person is probably not one you ultimately want to invest your time in.

1. QUICK INVOLVMENT: Many abusers are masters of the “whirlwind romance”. He wants to sweep you off your feet before you realize how he truly is. He plays the perfect man in the beginning, heaps adoration on you, makes you feel amazing. If he’s talking about commitment right off the bat and just “knows you’re the one”, it’s a definite red flag.

2. SEXISM: If they’re demeaning to women in their word and behaviors, or have rigid gender stereotypes, it’s important to pay attention to that. Consider if he is condescending about women’s opinions, makes general negative references about other women, prioritizes a woman’s appearance over other qualities, objectifies women, or speaks over them and interrupts them. Pay close attention to how they treat other women in their lives, such as mothers and sister. He may refuse to let a date share any expenses and get angry when she offers to pay.

3. JEALOUSY, POSSESSIVENESS: Abusers like to think that they “own” their partners. Many women have been socialized to believe that jealousy is “romantic”, but jealousy is a sign of insecurity. It is particularly telling if it’s being exhibited early in the relationship. It often starts out seeming romantic; he calls you repeatedly throughout the day “just to see what you’re doing”, he wants to know where you are at all times, he expects you to check in regularly. But over time, he will become more and more controlling and demanding.

4. BULLYING: They act immaturely and show little empathy or regard for others. They don’t seem to care about other people’s feelings. You will see them justifying bullying or vicious behaviors with flippant comments like, “Hey, that’s just how the game is played.” If you call them out on it, you “just can’t take a joke.”

5. BAD TEMPER: He displays a short temper. Many abusers are explosive, leaving you to constantly have to tip toe around them for fear of setting off an incident. Keep in mind, though, that abuse is NOT an “anger management problem”. Often, they are very good at controlling their behavior around other people. Some of the anger or aggression they display will be in the form of curtness toward others; or general negative, nasty, belittling comments – especially under the guise of “just joking”.

6. ACTS MACHO: They often discuss acts of physical ability excessively. They have the “jock” or “gorilla” mentality, which promotes acceptance and encouragement for the use of violence. As we’ve seen with many sports stars, jocks often receive positive reinforcement and outright praise for being aggressive and violent.

7. IGNORES BOUNDARIES: He ignores others’ space boundaries by getting too close, touching too much, becoming hostile or increasingly aggressive when a person says “no” about anything. He asks personal questions and makes inappropriate comments. He will sit too close to you, touch you when you’ve told him not to, speak as if he knows you better than he really does.

8. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS: Does he have a pet and neglects it? Does he make jokes about harming small animals? It has been estimated that approximately half of male batterers also mistreat, abuse, or even torture family pets. It’s one thing for a person to “not really be a cat person”; it’s another thing to think hurting or killing them is funny.

9. DISLIKES YOUR FAMILY OR FRIENDS: It does not bode well for a relationship if he finds fault with or otherwise badmouths your friends and family. The dislike of others that you are close with often leads to you seeing them less and less, and sometimes even cutting ties with them entirely. The more he can isolate you from your support system, the easier it is to get away with abusive behavior.

10. LYING, SECRETIVENESS: Predatory men are often pathological liars and will lie even when there is no reason to. They use lies to create a false reality for themselves where they are always blameless for their behaviors.

11. BLAMES OTHERS FOR HIS MISTAKES: If something goes wrong in the life of an abuser, it’s always someone else’s fault. They take no responsibility for their negative behaviors. You will eventually hear, “Look what you made me do” after an abusive incident.

12. UNRELIABILITY: Many abusers are irresponsible and completely unreliable. Does he call you when he says he’s going to? Does he pick you up on time? Does he do what he says he’s going to do?

13: UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Abusers want to make their victims responsible for all of his feelings. He thinks she should drop everything to cater to his needs. He likes to say things like, “You’re all I need”; in his mind, you should be able to make his life perfect. So whenever he feels upset about something, it becomes your fault for not being able to live up to his unrealistic expectations. You can’t expect another person to “complete” you.

14: OVERLY SENSITIVE: Abusers often feel insulted very easily and tend to overreact. He can make mean jokes at other’s expense but cannot tolerate even light teasing himself.

15. ENTITLEMENT: There are men who feel entitled to your time and your attention, even when you’re clearly not interested. Abusers think they’re more important than everyone else, that other people are inferior to him. Pay attention to how he interacts with wait staff in restaurants, for example. Remember – if someone is nice to you and rude to the waitress, they are not a nice person.

16. VERBAL ABUSE: It often starts out as “just kidding around” and eventually grows more and more mean-spirited. He might criticize your appearance, your hobbies and interests, your job; minimize your accomplishments and things that you’re proud of; and constantly bring up things you already feel insecure about.